I have always felt a voracious fear of opening up and letting myself be with strangers just because. This is why I avoid flirting as such, and look only for what we all really look for in the end, sex. Love is lived day by day with everyone around us, I find confusing the idea of people who spend their lives looking for “the love of their lives”. For me, love is something else that goes beyond a simple fantasy of an ideal partner. To me, love is practised daily with those you have in front of you, those you value, and those you care for. Love is verbs that you carry out, not words, not simple physical attraction.
I feel very uncomfortable when I feel the need to listen to your voice, or wait for your good morning. I truly love your voice. At what point did this start? I don’t want to flirt, not like this, not with air. I’m afraid that this feeling will grow, and it won’t do any good. I need some closeness, some skin. I’m uncomfortable with the idea of not knowing how much of this is real, of not knowing if I’m playing alone a game I don’t want to play; I’m uneasy not knowing when we’ll have time for each other. And yes, you’re right, I couldn’t handle this situation. I wasn’t born to «wait», wait for something to happen, I’m used to going for what I want and take it. Waiting for an imaginary event, or wait and see what happens, is not my element.
My head explodes at the thought that I am creating an imaginary character in my mind. A made up story that I am living almost alone. It scares me to want to hear you tell me things in a more romantic way. I don’t want to play with fire. Experience has already shown me that most of the time it doesn’t taste good. I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment. Nor do I hope to get grow pears from an apple tree, wait makes me feel like that.
So, the answer to the last question you asked that I never got to read is: you didn’t do anything. Everything with you is great, too good, you fascinate me. You have a light of your own.
I lied when you asked me if I’m afraid of commitment, the real answer is yes, very much so. And even worse, when it’s in such an atypical way. So, like a scared little girl, I run away before my illusions go any further. You have found that point in my personality where I am not so strong, but I will be someday, I am working on it, as a good «architect» that I am.
I wanted to let you know. Dulces sueños.
© Saliary Röman
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